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Adventures in Catsterland: A Guide to Catster Chat

A few minutes is all it takes to speak Catster like a native!

All Animals magazine

  • Trout Towne Tabby Tuna of Moon       Laura Walda

  • Trout Towne Tabby Butter Lover Boomer Oh Cat    Laura Walda

by Arna Cohen

Catster diaries reflect the diversity of members’ personalities. Some talk like babies, others talk tough, Guido speaks with an Italian accent, and on Talk Like a Pirate Day, just about everycat talks—well, like a pirate. “When I read other cats’ diaries, I don’t actually picture a mom behind it,” says Kristin Korsnes of Los Angeles. “I picture a cat sitting there writing the diary. I wonder what his or her voice sounds like.”

Occasionally a diary is nearly incomprehensible. Da Tabbies O Trout Towne, for example, talk “Trout,” in which everything is spelled phonetically (I guess the school system in Trout Towne leaves much to be desired). Trying to decipher it makes Monster want to take a nap immediately. In this diary excerpt, Da Tabbies rant about their mortal enemies, birds:

One of R fav oh rite mewvie directors of all time be Mr Hitchcock and he haz made manee tee vee and mewvie film document tarrys. He tried ta document how stoooooopid burds are in his mewvie DA BURDS..... trooly.... this iz knot a scareee mewviwe it iz bout how stooopid burds are

For eggs sample: sew this lady be sittin outside de school houz smoking....rock on Tippi Hedren. ... Her be outside smoking and de stoooopid burds is sittin behind her fussin bout who iz gonna sit where on de mon kee bars and they be lined up on de swing set......in second hand smoke.

Then like at de start of de mewvie, stead a pole litely askin Ms Hedren for a ride across de ocean de stoooooopid and RUDE burd tries ta take de boat frum her and her iz like NOE.... sew it pops her in de head..... stoooopid burd just sit in de boat N wait til de boat reaches shore

THEN like later on Ms Hedren iz tryin ta make a phone call N goes in de phone booth n de stoooooopid burd just slams inta de booth!!

DE DOOR IZ SHUT N DE BOOTH IS TAKEN stoooopid burd go ta de café N use de phone

Daunting. It took Monster two years to work up the stamina to decode Trout talk, but now that he’s used to it, he can translate an entry in less than a day.

Monster is (for the most part) extremely attentive to grammar, spelling, and proper sentence structure in his diary entries, probably because his secretary is a professional writer. But Catster expressions do creep into his work. In fact, it’s hard to resist speaking Catster when the pawsibilities are endless, furriends! Go ahead, give it a try. It’s so easy, a cavecat could do it! MOL!

Noms: good things to eat
MOL: meow out loud
“Purr for” (something/someone): think good thoughts. A powerful tool for healing, bringing lost cats home, and making missing diaries reappear before deadline.
Bonks:  affectionate head butts
OMC: oh, my cat!
Words made with “fur”: sisfur, brofur, furbulous, furriend, efurryone
Gotcha date: the day a cat was adopted/found/brought home
Words made with “paw”: pawsome, pawrents, pawsitive, pawtograph, everypaw
Zoomies: racing around the house like your tail’s on fire

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